


The thoughts I have about you

by Justafewthingstosay



Series: Dear Evan Hansen, Tree Bros one shots [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Anxiety, Connor hates himself but evan is there to kiss it all better, Depression, Implied Attempted Suicide, M/M, Soulmate AU, a whole ton of fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-11-15 10:43:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11229303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justafewthingstosay/pseuds/Justafewthingstosay
Summary: Soulmates have different ways of finding each other, some, well some stumble into each other. Some find out because they talk to people about their soulmate. Some see their own thoughts.Sometimes, it even happens that they realise who their soulmate is, while they are sitting right across from them.





	The thoughts I have about you

 

The alarm clock on the young boys night stand started to ring loudly and Evan threw his hand over to silence it. While pulling back his hand, he felt the cover of a book, it was made out of leather and had the Evan’s named on it in golden calligraphy.

He glared at the book, despising it. It was supposed to help him find his soulmate, but he didn’t want to find his soulmate. He didn’t want to put all his horrible problems onto someone else, all the pain he felt, all the anxiety.

But even though he hated the book, he would check it every morning and every night. The book contained all the thoughts other people had about his soulmate, but once the thoughts are said out loud they vanish from the book.

Evan sat up in his bed and grabbed the book from his nightstand. Like every morning, he held it in his hands. Not sure if he should open it, even though he knew that he always would.

He hated reading these things, because his soulmate was obviously not a very popular person and reading the mean thoughts that people had about them, broke his heart.

He slowly opened the book and he saw a new thought appear, right as he turned to the last filled page.

_ Hurry the fuck up, asshole _

Evan swallowed and read over the last thoughts that were logged in.

_ Freak _

_ Monster _

_ Nutcase _

_ Idiot _

Evan hated all of these thoughts, not only because they made his soulmate sound like a really shitty person, but also because he still didn’t know which gender his soulmate had.

He let the book lie on the bed, as he went for a shower. While he let the warm water hit his back, the page on the book filled up with thoughts.

_ Why can’t he just be a good kid? _

_ Why is he always trying to hurt me? _

_ What have I done to him, that he hates me so much? _

This wasn’t the first time that these thoughts have appeared on the thick pages of the book, but Evan never looked and when he came home from school to read them, they were already spoken.

That is what Evan did on a normal day, but today wasn’t a normal day. At least not for him.

\----

Connor Murphy got out of bed and immediately wanted to go lie back down. He wasn't like Evan, Connor wanted to not know his soul mate so bad that he threw his book under his bed, where it already accumulated a thick blanket of dust. He tried to convince himself that he didn't have a soulmate, not only because he thought it was stupid, but mostly because he didn't want anyone to be burdened with a mess like himself. Especially not the boy that he was destined to be with.

He hated reading his book because it sounded as if the boy he was destined with was an absolute sweetheart that didn't deserve such a shitty soulmate.

Every day new thoughts would appear, nice ones like

_ I wish he wasn't so shy _

_ He's really cute when he gets all in his head _

_ I wish he would talk more _

_ I hope he is okay _

Etc etc, Connor hated to think about the things that must be in his soul mates book about him.

He couldn't imagine anything good.

His soulmate seemed like a real sweetheart, someone people like to hang out with. Connor was neither of those things.

Even his own sister hated him and he could have sworn that his parents didn't like him either.

So he tried to ignore this soulmate crap, which was hard enough on its own and didn't really get better with his mother bugging him about it constantly. She was convinced that once Connor found his soulmate he would be better and maybe not resent the world so much, but her desperate attempts to get him to find his soulmate just made him mad.

He took a shower and put on his normal outfit, black skinny jeans and a black sweatshirt. He grabbed his bag and walked downstairs

Maybe today won't be as bad.

Connor was horribly wrong.

He had just arrived in school and that little guy, Jared Kleinman, walked up to him and said something stupid about his hair and something school shooter stuff.

He didn’t really listen, just glared Jared down and when he said that it was only a joke, Connor just replied that he was laughing.

He got mad, he didn’t want to get mad, but sometimes he just can’t control it.    
While walking around the school, he kept thinking about ditching, he was already mad now and more classes and more stupid people wouldn’t help.

He walked into the computer lab and threw his backpack on the chair next to the computer he sat down at. He didn’t pay attention to the small, blond haired guy that was sitting two rows of computers away from him.

Connor opened a word file and just started typing, telling the blank uncaring page all of his problems. He did that for around ten minutes until the printer suddenly made an almost screeching sound.

Connor looked up and saw a young guy in a blue shirt, blonde hair and a cast on his left arm.

He looked terrified.

Connor stood up and walked over to the printer, wanting to see if the paper tray was empty, which happened quite often. While walking over he saw the guy looking at him. Uncomfortable with the constant stare, he tried to start a conversation.

“How did you break your arm?” he asked, the guy flinched and Connor immediately felt bad, he didn’t mean to startle him.

“W-ha-What?” He replied shyly.

“Your arm, how’d you break it?” Connor repeated while putting some paper into the printer, and it started printing the young guy's document.

“I- I fell, out of a-a tree”

Connor huffed a laugh, but felt horrible after doing so, the guy looked extremely uncomfortable.

“No one has signed it.”

The guy shook his head and looked down.

“Can I sign it?” The shorter man's head rushed up to look at him, a small smile on his lips.

  
_ “He is cute,”  _ Connor thought but shook the thought of his head.

  
“Sure” the other stuttered out, and Connor walked over to his backpack and grabbed a sharpie. He proceeded to walk over and write his name in capital letters all over the cast.

“Now we can both pretend that we have friends” He smiled and walked over to the printer to receive the paper.

He read the first few words:  _ Dear Evan Hansen _

“Who’s Evan?” He questioned.

“That’s me” Evan stuttered out.

“So you write letters to yourself? Interesting” Connor started reading it.

_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

_ today is going to be a good day and here’s why, because maybe someone will sign your cast today and then you maybe, you will make a friend. Maybe you will even figure out who your soulmate is. Don’t listen to Jared, maybe your soulmate won’t be as bad as your book makes it seem. Maybe your soulmate is someone as great as Zoe. It would be nice, wouldn’t it? _

_ Sincerely me. _

Connor dropped the letter. He suddenly felt an ache in his throat and he couldn’t speak anymore.

  
“I know, I’m a freak. I’m sorry” Evan mumbled out while picking up the letter.

Connor wanted to reply, but it felt as if his throat was sewn shut, he couldn’t make a sound.

He wanted to tell Evan how he felt, he felt as if he had taken something from the boy, as if he ripped a cloak from him, revealing his truth.

Connor saw Evan grab the hem of his shirt and run out of the room. Connor looked at him run, thoughts started to cloud his brain. But one stuck out so much that his brain almost bit into it and held it close.

“ _ He didn’t fall, he let go” _

Connor grabbed his bag, shut down the computer he was using and left the school. He told the office that he was feeling sick, the secretary didn’t care and just let him leave.

While driving down the road, he stayed in his brain, not watching where he drove.

He kept thinking about Evan and why he had never seen him before. After a few moments he realised that he was already out of town and just driving through the country, so he parked his car at a field that was framed with trees. For a few moments, he sat in his car, before opening the door and walking through the field, watching the birds flying through the trees and the bugs crawling around on the ground. Connor decided to stop under a big beech tree and sat down, happy that he brought his backpack, he took out his sketchpad and started mindlessly scribbling.

He could have sat here for hours, taking in the fresh air and sun, but after around two hours of sitting on the ground, his phone rang and he saw that it was his sister, Zoe. He hesitated before picking up, he didn’t want to talk to her.

“What?” He answered the phone, already with a pissed attitude.

“Where are you? Mom is looking for you and also you need to walk the dog”

“I’m coming home, don’t worry. I’ll be there in around 20 minutes”

“Sure” he could almost hear her rolling her eyes.

He rolled his in return and hung up. He packed his sketch pad, on which a big tree was drawn and made his way back to his car.

While he drove home he tried to memorize the way as good as he could, he might come back to the field. It was a nice spot to gather his thoughts.

He arrived home around 30 minutes later. As soon as he walked in the door, his dog Ari ran up to him and started licking his hands. He buried his hands in the long grey fur. Ari was a Carpathian Shepherd dog and he was the best friend that Connor had.

“looks like the lost son has returned home” Zoe spoke, venom filled her voice.

Connor rolled his eyes and didn't reply to her, but walked up to his room, Ari following close behind.

As he opened the door, he realised that his mother was sitting on his bed, his soulmate book in her hands.

“Oh hey, sweety,” she said, shock in her voice.

“Why are you reading that?” Connor asked, his voice hard, cold.

He saw that his mother's hands started fidgeting, anxiously trying to find an explanation.

“I thought, I mean, I just..” she avoided his glare, avoided being seen by her son.

Connor interrupted her thoughts babbling out.

“You just thought that maybe, If I find love, my depression will just suddenly disappear, cause I'm not sick, I'm just lonely” his voice was coated with hate, with despise, he couldn't stand it, he hated this. He knew that that's why they got him a dog. To battle his loneliness. Ari did help a lot with his periods where he was completely numb, but that wasn’t the point, a soulmate was different than a dog, a soulmate was forever.

“Yea, No, I just think that it's strange that you aren’t looking at all. I carried my book everywhere with me when I was your age. Why do you resent the idea of love so much, Connor? What is the problem with a soulmate? What is your problem with happiness?” She had gotten louder while speaking, her eyes tearing up and her getting closer and closer to her son, her hands flying around, trying to articulate her anger.

Connor stood there, silent. Not showing any emotion at first, but inside him was a hurricane. He felt so many emotions at once, anger towards his mother, hate against himself, sadness, despise to the idiotic universe of soulmates.

He wanted to open his mouth, his mother still staring at him with that anger and that pain spread through her face. Ari sitting under his desk, uncomfortable with the situation.

His mother's face suddenly turned soft, scared and caring. He then realised he was crying.

“What if they hate me? What if they don’t want someone as broken as me, mum? What if..” He tried to continue, but his mother hugged him.

  
“What if they love you for who you are, all of you? He sounds very nice from what people think about him” She said, Connor hesitated with hugging back, he didn’t remember what it felt like to be hugged like this like they meant it. In the end, he did give her a short squeeze, but then lightly pushed her away.

“They won’t fix me, mum,” He said, again his voice was cold.

“Well, they won’t but maybe they can help” She smiled so damn optimistic, he hated his mother for her optimism.

“I need to walk Ari,” He said, looking away from her. She nodded and walked out of the room. As soon as she was gone, Ari came out from under the desk and walked over to Connor, licking his hand. Connor bend down and buried his face in the long grey fur of his companion.

Ari kept licking his hand, slipping his tongue under that elastic band on his wrist. It tickled and Connor laughed.

  
“You’re such a good boy, aren’t you?” He ruffled the fur of the young dog. “Let’s go take a walk” Ari barked at that and got excited.

Connor smiled at him and they walked downstairs together, Connor quickly grabbing not only Ari’s black collar and leash, but also some bags, in case Ari needed to go.

Connor walked outside with his dog by his side, put headphones in to avoid conversations with strangers and went for a long walk, trying to get as many thoughts out of his mind as he could.

Most of them he was able to banish, but there was one thought that kept coming back, it was about that kid he saw today, Evan Hansen.

Connor asked himself why, why he would choose to let go, why he never talked to people. Why he had let Connor sign his cast. One thought kept coming back.

“ _ Could we become friends?” _

\------

Evan was almost finished with his letter when Connor Murphy came into the computer lab. He got tense, he hated when people were close when he wrote his daily letter. He started typing as quietly as possible but realised quickly that Connor didn’t know that he was there. Evan was glad about that. He didn’t want to bother Connor, not after Jared was such a dick this morning.

Evan quickly finished his letter and opened the window to print it. He hesitated. He didn’t want to be loud and annoy Connor, but he really needed to get to his next period. He realised that he was starting to sweat.

“ _ Maybe if he hasn’t noticed me until now, he won’t notice the printer. Maybe he won’t look at me”  _ Evan thought, the cursor hovering over the little printer icon. He stood up, clicked it and immediately regretted it when he hurt the loud screeching of the printer.

Connor’s head shot up in an instant, locking his light blue eyes on Evan. Evan could feel sweat on the back of his neck and he kept staring at Connor as he walked over to the printer. Connor looked away, probably weirded out by Evan.

“ _ Good job, Evan. Now you’ve made him uncomfortable, you fucking weirdo”  _ Evan got away from the voice in his head when Connor started talking.

“How did you break your arm?” The sudden voice scared Evan so much that he almost jumped, he looked over to Connor who looked sorry for him.

“W-ha-What?” Evan felt as if his brain was taken away from him.

“Your arm, how’d you break it?” Connor asked him while putting new paper in the printer. Evan could hear it printing his letter.

He tried to think of a better response than “ _ I jumped out of a tree to kill myself”  _ and only one came to his mind.

“I- I fell, out of a-a tree” He stuttered out. Connor huffed out a laugh and Evan got tense. “ _ Great Job, Evan. You’re such a joke”  _ Evan tried to quiet the voice in his head as much as he could, but it got worse by the second.

“No one has signed it” Evan shook his head and looked to the ground. He didn’t want to admit that he didn’t have any friends except his ‘Family friend’ Jared.

“Can I sign it?” Connor's voice sounded soft as if he was trying to comfort the shorter man. Evan looked at him and the edges of his mouth twitched up for just a second.

“Sure” Evan stuttered, he watched as Connor walked to his backpack to receive a sharpie, before walking up to Evan, lightly taking his arm and writing his name in huge letters on the side of his cast.

He smiled at Evan and said “Now we can both pretend that we have friends” Evan saw Connor smile and start to walk over to the printer. Evan watched as he did, observing everything that he could. The faded out black skinny jeans, the black jacket, the auburn hair moving ever so slightly, while he walked over.

“ _ He looks very good in those skinny jeans,” _ Evan thought to himself when he realised what he had thought he wanted to punch himself.

Connor took the paper from the printer and glanced at it. Evan prayed that he wouldn’t read it. His prayers weren’t heard.

“Who’s Evan?”

“That’s me” Evan stammered.

“So you write letters to yourself? Interesting” Interesting, also meaning that's freaking weird.

He saw how Connor's eyes ran across the page, reading the words printed in black and white. He observed how Connor’s face went from neutral, to confused, to a look that Evan couldn't pinpoint.

Evan watched the paper fall from Connor’s black fingernails, sailing down towards the ground.

He grabbed his backpack and quickly walked over to pick up the letter. His hands found their way to the hem of his shirt, moving it between his fingers, he mumbled out an “I know, I’m a freak. I’m sorry”

After a last quick glance at Connor. Evan ran out of the lab to his next class. He slowed down when he realised that his breathing got quicker.

“ _ You’re such a fucking idiot. God, I hate myself. Why do I always have to be so freaking weird?” _

Evan couldn’t stop thinking about how he had messed up, and he realised how his breathing got quicker and quicker, he had the feeling he couldn’t breathe and before he even saw the room for his next class, he walked into the nearest bathroom and locked himself in a stall.

“Breathe, come on” Evan mumbled to himself, trying to calm himself. He tried getting his phone out of his pocket to play calming music, but his hands shook so much that he couldn’t even get them into the pocket of his pants. When he realised that he couldn’t even control his hands, he started crying. He let out multiple big sobs before he tried to talk to himself again, to calm himself.

It didn’t work.

So he sat there in the bathroom, crying until his face was red and puffy and he calmed down enough get his phone out.

He started texting his mum

Hey Mom, can you please call the school and tell them that I can go home. I just can’t today.

Love you, Evan.

It didn’t even take five minutes for his mother to reply and tell him that it was fine if he went home and that he had talked to the secretary.

He smiled weakly and started walking towards the exit. He hid his face from the secretary when he walked by, he felt embarrassed. He didn’t want to be seen.

He walked the short way home and unlocked the door. He stepped in and suddenly he felt at least a little calmer. He took off his shoes and suddenly felt a soft brush against his legs.

A blueish grey cat walked around his legs. With golden brown eyes, he looked up at Evan, until Evan picked him up and the cat nuzzled against his face.

It was a three-year-old Chartreux cat, with the glorious name Aaron Purr.

The name was Jared’s idea, when Evan’s therapist suggested an animal to calm him when he was anxious. His mum immediately went out with him to buy a cat. When Jared came over and saw the kind of chubby kitten, he suggested that they should call him Aaron Purr and they just went with it.

Now this chubby kitten, was a full grown chubby cat and one of the greatest friends Evan had.

Aaron started purring when Evan scratched his ear and Evan calmed down even more. His therapist once said that the purring of a cat was one of the most calming sounds that there is, and his therapist had been very right. Evan walked up to his room, dropped Aaron on his bed and laid down next to him. His breathing was still a little shaky, and Aaron laid himself down, his front half on Evan’s arm, the lower half lying on the bed.

His golden eyes stared at Evan and he meowed quietly.

After a few minutes, both of them were asleep.

Evan woke up a few hours later, to the sound of his mother knocking at his door and Aaron kneading his side.

“Hey sweety, I brought food if you want some” his mum said, bringing a bag with Chinese take out into his room. He only realised that he was hungry when he smelled it.

“Thanks, mom,” He said, taking one of the boxes from her.

“Wanna tell me what happened today?” She asked. He shook his head. Aaron tried to sneak some chicken from his Chinese food and Heidi pushed him so he fell on the floor.

Evan snorted a laugh at this. He smiled as Aaron got up again and jumped back up on his bed.

“how's the soulmate search going ?” she asked Evans' heart hurt. He didn't want to find them. He didn't want to think about it.

“Nothing new” he lied. They continued to eat in silence until they finished and started watching a comedy special from Louis C.K.

Not even half way through Heidi fell asleep and Evan shut the Tv off and went to bed.

He laid awake, looking at his soulmate book. He hadn't checked it, He didn't want to. He didn't want to see the thoughts. Those horrible thoughts people had about his soulmate. He took his book and shut it in his nightstand.

“it will be better if I never find out who you are” he quietly mumbled in the direction of the night stand.

Aaron was lying on his feet and Evan fell asleep.

While Evan was in his bed, sleeping tightly, Connor was awake, rolling and turning. He couldn't find peace. He felt almost watched.

He looked down at Ari for what felt like the 100th time and envied the dog again for being able to sleep.

He turned on his bedside lamp and looked around, trying to find the reason why he felt so watched.

He didn't find it, no puppets no pictures, nothing, but then he saw it. His soulmate book, a dark blue leather book with his name in silver letters written on top. It was the source of the uneasy feeling in Connors' stomach and it was also the reason why he couldn't sleep.

He moved up a little bit and grabbed it, wanting to throw it under the bed, but instead he opened it, just for a bit.

“It's not like I'm going to immediately search for them” he muttered while reading over the old thoughts

He kept reading and reading until he suddenly saw something familiar. Connor turned to stone while reading the thought.

He didn't move, he didn't swallow, he didn't seem to breathe. In a scratchy handwriting This thought was in the middle of the page, a little bigger than the others.

_ He didn't fall, he let go _

Connor threw the book away from him and pulled his legs close. He didn’t want it to be true, he had hoped that in some weird way he just didn’t have a soulmate, that’s why he always tried to ignore his book, but now, now he knew that he had one. Which was in some ways comforting, but also terrifying. He felt his breathing getting heavier and faster, so he tried to calm it, it didn’t work.

He started crying, feeling sorry for Evan that he was going to be stuck with someone as terrible as Connor.

He started falling into an anxiety attack, he could feel it, so he tried to calm himself, thinking that maybe it won’t be so bad. That maybe Evan might be his soulmate, but Connor wasn’t Evan’s. He didn’t know Evan well, but he deserved better than Connor.

He laid down in fetal position and just cried.

After a few minutes, he felt a soft, wet touch at his hand and he looked through his fingers. He saw Ari, holding some dirty socks, he huffed out a laugh and ruffled the dog's fur. He knew that Ari always brought him dirty socks when he was sad, because they made Ari happy, so he thought it would make Connor happy too.

He felt a smile form on his face as the dog wagged his tails and jumped onto the bed next to him, just to lay down and look at him. Connor wiped his eyes and Ari liked his cheek. For the first time in a while, he actually laughed. Not loud, not long, but it was something special.

He went into the bathroom to wash his face and then went to bed.

His plan was to just ignore Evan, get out of his way, hoping that Evan had a different Soulmate. He fell asleep with the thoughts of his own faults and Evan in his head.

The next morning was hard for Connor, he didn’t want to go to school, but he couldn’t be home with his thoughts all day, so he did go. Thankfully, Homecoming was coming up soon, so everyone was too caught up with talking about their dates and their dresses to bother him.

It was around ten minutes to lunch and he was sitting in his AP Environmental Science class, just sketching, when he suddenly heard a loud shuffle of feet and someone almost running past his classroom.

His eyes were fixed on the door and he wanted to ignore it, but his curiosity got the better of him, so he asked his teacher, Mrs Feuerstein, if he could go to lunch early. He wouldn’t have asked any other teacher, but somehow she liked him, so she let him go.

Walking the empty halls, looking for the source of the noise, he passed a bathroom and he thought that when he was already out here, he could also go to the bathroom. He pushed the door open and walked in. He heard someone inhale very quickly, and not exhaling, almost as if they were holding their breath, so that Connor doesn’t notice them.

He looked around a saw that the last stall towards the wall was locked. The strap of a backpack looking out from under the door.

Connor contemplated his options, ignoring this obviously crying boy, which to be honest, he wanted to do more than anything else, because he knew that most of the people in the school didn’t talk to him anyways. His other option was to try to talk to the kid, which was stupid, but he chose it. For some reason, he felt as if he was obligated to at least ask.

So he walked over slowly, trying to make as little noise as possible.

He knocked on the door and heard someone get suck in their breath so fast that he felt as if they didn’t watch their breath, that they might not breathe anymore.

  
“Hey, you okay in there?” He tried to speak as soft as he could, not wanting to startle the other even more. He didn’t get a reply, the only thing he heard was a silent sob.

“What’s wrong?” He tried again. And he finally got a reply.

“I had to hold a presentation” The words were interrupted by sobs and the normal stutter. Connor immediately recognised the voice of the boy that was hiding in the stall. It was Evan.

“Was it bad?” Connor asked, sliding down with his back against the wall next to the stall.

“I couldn’t hold it, I just ran out” Evan’s voice was quiet, but clear. The sobs still audibly interrupting his speech, but Connor understood him well enough.

“At least you tried, Evan” Connor put his hand on the floor, next to the stall door. Evan stared at the painted fingernails and the shirt that was pulled to the palm of the hand of the person he was talking to. Someone who actually stopped and asked how he was doing.

“Connor, right?” he asked.

“Yeah, Connor Murphy” He saw that Connor's fingers curled up a little bit, the fingernails pushing into the floor.

“Would you do me a favour?” Evan asked, tears still clouding his eyes. He trusted Connor, in some weird way. It was probably just because they were both outcasts, that no one cared about.

“Sure”

“I wanna go home, can you check if there’s already people outside? I would rather not be seen” Evan knew that his voice sounded desperate, but he didn’t care. He just wanted to get out of here.

“I will. Just give me a few seconds” Connor jumped up and walked out, he saw that the line for lunch was already long, therefore almost no one was in the halls that went towards the exit. He quickly walked back inside and saw Evan standing in the door of the stall he had been hiding in. His face was red, his eyes puffy and to be completely honest, he looked like shit.

“I know, I look terrible” He mumbled to the ground.

  
“We all would if we just had an anxiety attack, also the halls are free. I’ll bring you to the door” Connor waved his hand, signalling Evan to come with him, before shoving his hands back into his pockets.

Evan looked at the taller man in front of him.

  
_ “He kind of looks like an angel” _

He shook himself back to reality and ignored his brain. He walked next to the tall boy, and glanced up at him occasionally. He asked himself how Connor managed to stay so calm, how he managed to shut out the world. When they reached the office, to leave, Evan realised he hadn’t called his mom and also that he really didn’t want to walk home and be alone. Now he wasn’t sure if he wanted to go home. As if Connor had read his thoughts, he glanced at the door and asked

“How are you getting home?” concern in his voice.

“I’ll walk”

Connor’s face pulled itself into a frown.

“You’re not walking, I’m not letting you walk home in this condition. I’ll drive you” Evan tried very hard to keep himself from blushing, but it didn’t work. He was grateful for Connor not only offering it, but also insisting on getting him home safe.

Evan just nodded, aware that his cheeks were the colour of ripe strawberries. He looked up and saw that Connor’s cheeks were also tinted a light pink.

  
They walked out together. Connor telling the secretary that he would take Evan home real quick and she just nodded.

They walked to Connor’s car and Evan got into the passenger side and realised a few things as soon as he got in.

The backseat was lined with a blanket, which was covered in grey fur. Probably a dog, the car itself was pretty clean, which came to a small surprise on Evan’s part.

Connor was standing at the exit of the school parking lot.

  
“I need your address,” Connor said, determined, but still soft.

“Connor, can I ask you for another favour?” Evan started, he didn’t want to go home, he didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts.

“What is it?” Connor still had this tone in his voice, like he really cared about Evan. Like he actually wanted to make sure that he was alright.

“I really don’t want to go home” Evan grabbed the hem of his shirt and tried not to look at Connor, who just nodded and turned out of the exit.

They rode in silence for a bit, until they stopped in front of a big, pretty house. Connor shut off the engine, but kept his hands on the steering wheel, not looking at Evan.

“Are you afraid of dogs?” he suddenly asked, pulling Evan out of a trance.

“No. Why?”

“I was thinking of getting my dog, he likes to drive”

“My cat loves to drive too. He always stares out of the window and watches the nature passing by”

“Do you have a leash for him?” The question hit Evan off guard.

  
“Yes, why?”

“I know, what we’re doing today” Connor said and jumped out of the car and walked to the house, just to return a few moments later, a big grey and black dog running out towards the car.

Connor opened the door to the backseat and he jumped in and Connor strapped him in.

“Evan, meet Ari. Ari, Evan” Ari started to sniff Evan and liked his hand, which made Evan laugh a little.

Connor had sat down in his seat again, while Evan stroked the soft fur of the dog.

“Why Ari?” he asked, which made Connor smile.

“Well, it's kind of embarrassing, but I didn’t know if I should name him after Aristotle or Aristophanes. So, Ari” Connor’s cheeks were a nice red and Evan realised that Connor had small dimples. Evan examined the face of the other boy and noticed how his mouth curled up into a small smile when he saw that Evan was looking at him.

“So, you got a dog and needed a name, so you ended up with either an ancient Greek philosopher or an ancient Greek playwright that focused on comedy?” Evan asked, almost cocky, which surprised him. He was never cocky, not even rude most of the time, but with Connor, he felt calmer than with most people. 

Connor started blushing darker. 

“Well, I - I mean, I just didn’t,” He sighed. “I don’t know why either.” Evan was afraid that he hurt him for a second, but just for a second, because he could still see the smile that was slightly pulling up the corners of Connor's lips.

_ “He has very nice lips,”  _ Evan thought.  Connor looked at him and startled Evan when he started talking again. 

“Do you want some ice cream?” He spoke quietly. Evan nodded shyly and Connor pulled out of the driveway. Connor tried to concentrate on the road, but Evan didn’t care about the way, he stole glances at the handsome, auburn haired boy next to him. 

They didn't really talk on their way to À La Mode, the only one that really made any noise was Ari. As they arrived, he got eager to get out and Connor couldn’t help but laugh a bit. 

“He likes À La Mode, they always give him a waffle cone” he explained to Evan, as they got out. 

Both of them got a waffle cone with two scoops of ice cream, Connor got two scoops of peppermint and Evan got one scoop of lemon and one of strawberry. 

Ari sat between them, eating his waffle cone, while they talked. They asked basic questions, like what their favourite colour is, or what they like to do for fun. This was also the question, where Evan told Connor that he adored trees. They had both already finished their ice cream, so Connor got up and pulled Evan out of his chair, not letting go of his hand until they were at the car. Connor didn’t realise that he was still holding on to Evan’s hand, while unlocking the car, until Evan cleared his throat, trying to get his attention. Connor was as red as a tomato, when he let go of Evan’s hand and Evan was not in better shape. Looking up into the eyes of taller boy. They stared at each other until Ari whined to get into the car, which pulled them from their gazing. 

They both got into the car and Connor drove them to the place that he had found, the yellow field surrounded by beautiful big trees. 

He parked the car at the edge of the road and got Ari out, who took of running around in the field. Connor grabbed the blanket from the backseat and shook it, before pulling out his backpack and started walking towards the same spot that he had been at before, when he realised that Evan wasn’t following him, he turned around and saw Evan’s eyes, wide, looking around at the sheer beauty of this place, but mostly looking at the utterly beautiful boy in front of him. 

_ “How is he so gorgeous?”  _ Evan thought, looking at the way the sun fell onto Connor’s auburn hair making it shine, his light blue eyes, that had a spot of brown in the left one, the smile that just made Connor’s face turn so soft that Evan felt as if he looked at someone that saw all the horrors of the world, but still managed to stay soft. Even if it was just softness in his smile, it was there. 

“You coming?” Connor asked with such desperation that Evan slowly jogged to Connor’s side.

“This is so beautiful, do you come here often?” Evan questioned and Connor shook his head.

“Found it yesterday” They had reached the big beech tree that Connor had sat down under yesterday, and he laid down the blanket from his backseat and sat down, when Evan waited to almost be invited onto the blanket, Connor mentioned for him to sit down as well. 

Evan sat down and started to look around again, before getting out a book from his backpack and started to read it. 

Connor on the other hand, got out his sketch pad, but this time, it wasn’t the trees that he was focusing on. He started sketching Evan’s face first, trying to capture the exact structure of his face, before moving on to the body of the smaller boy. 

They sat like this for about thirty minutes and Connor already had a rough sketch done, before Ari came back from running in the field and laid down next to him.    
Evan started to ruffle through the dog's fur and Connor couldn’t help but smile at that, which Evan happily noticed. 

“What are you drawing?” Evan asked, still petting Ari. 

“Nothing, just sketching” Connor’s cheeks grew warmer and he saw curiosity rise in Evan’s eyes.

“Wanna show me?” He shook his head and to his surprise Evan accepted it. He just smiled and went back to reading his book. 

They stayed like that for a few hours, Ari sleeping beside the sketching Connor and Evan reading beside them. After a little while of this time, Evan had laid down, switching reading positions, which sucked for Connor’s drawing, but at that time, he was already almost done with his body anyway, so he didn’t mind that much.    
He realised that Evan looked kind of uncomfortable with his head on only the blanket and under that the hard floor, so he decided to take off his jacket and give it to Evan.

“Here, you can use it as a pillow” he held his sweatshirt out to Evan, who looked at Connor as if he had just agreed to sacrifice himself for him.

“Are you sure?” 

“Yes, you look uncomfortable, and it's a warm day anyway. Just please take it” Evan took the sweatshirt out of Connor's hand, holding it like a treasure, before bunching it up a little to form a small pillow out of it. 

“Thank you” 

“Don’t mention it” Connor smiled and went back to drawing.    
Evan inhaled the scent on the sweatshirt, it was a mixture of shampoo, deodorant and something Evan couldn’t quite describe. It smelled amazing, that was all that he knew.

Evan didn’t realise how much time had passed, until suddenly his mom called. He felt terrible for not texting her that he was with a friend, not that she would have believed it. She must have worried herself to death. He picked up, awaiting her worried screams. 

“Hey Mum” 

“Sweetheart? Where are you? It’s already 6pm, I thought you must have been home by not, especially because I called Jared and he said you left before lunch,” She sounded worried, as if she thought that he was dead. 

“Mum, I’m sorry for forgetting to text you, I’m with my friend Connor,” he spoke the words before he could even think about them, were they friends? He glanced up at Connor and he saw a smirk on Connor’s lips.

“Connor? Who’s that? Can I talk to him?” Evan groaned and held the phone away from himself for a second, holding the microphone. 

“My mum wants to talk to you, is that okay with you?” Connor just shrugged and Evan shoved the phone into his hand. Connor took it awkwardly and held it against his face. 

“Hello Mrs. Hansen. I’m Connor, sorry for not telling you that Evan and I would be hanging out” Connor said sweetly. Evan was surprised at how adult Connor sounded.    
Evan would have given the world to know, what his mother said on the phone. Connor talked to her for a little while, before saying good bye and hanging up.

“She wants me to come over for dinner to you guys tonight,” Connor said, looking down at the phone, avoiding eye contact with Evan, whose eyes widened, but he didn’t resent the idea of Connor coming over. So he nodded and stood up.

“We should probably head to my place then” he spoke quietly and Connor nodded at him, also standing up. He hushed Ari from the blanket to pack it up and all three of them walked back to the car. 

On the whole way back to Evan’s house, he could tell that Connor was terrified of having dinner with his mother. He seemed distracted and worried, probably thinking of all the possibilities of how he could mess it up. 

As they drove into Evan’s street, he started to speak.

“She will like you, you’re one of my two friends. She can just be a little over protective” Connor nodded, but he saw that he was still riddled with anxiety, so he grabbed Connor’s arm and squeezed it lightly.

They pulled into the driveway, Connor got Ari out of the back and they walked to the door, which Evan unlocked and lead them in.    
Connor saw a small grey shadow run up to Evan and as it stopped at Evan’s feet, standing up on his hind legs, its front legs leaned against the smaller boy, he saw that it was a cat. 

Evan picked it up and held it close to Connor.

“Connor, meet Aaron Purr, Aaron Purr meet Connor Murphy” Connor let out a small laugh.

“You think my dog is named weird, but here you are with a cat named Aaron Purr” Evan blushed deeply and gladly his mom walked out of the kitchen in that moment.

“Hello, you must be Connor, I’m Heidi” she introduced herself. Connor shook her hand and did the same. 

A few moments later, they all sat at the table, eating while making jokes and the animals playing in the living room.

Heidi mostly asked questions about how they met, what they did today and Connor’s home life. All in all, their dinner was nice and there were almost no awkward silences or uncomfortable questions. 

Before Connor left at that evening, they exchanged numbers, so they could text. Evan was happy, for the first time in a while he actually had a very great day.

Connor and Evan started hanging out a lot, mostly going to the field, Connor mostly drawing and playing his guitar, while Evan read. 

Evan realised that with every hour he spent with Connor, he fell more in love with him. With his laugh, with his talk, with his good and his bad sides, but Evan didn’t want to break their friendship, so he kept it all inside his head. 

What Evan was most grateful for though, was that he could always count on Connor. He even gave Connor a spare key to his house, so he could text him when he had a panic attack and he wouldn’t have to worry on how Connor would come in. Connor was, even with all his imperfections, the best thing that could have happened to Evan and Evan hoped that Connor felt the same way about him. 

One night, before Evan went to sleep, he put down his book, the dystopian novel 451 and looked for his headphones that he had put somewhere, to calm his nerves with listening to music, when he opened the drawer of his bedside table, where he saw his soulmate book.   
He smiled weakly at the sight of it and pulled it out, curious what people had thought about his soulmate and if the thoughts were still so horrible, to his surprise, they weren’t.    
Yes, there were still a ton of thoughts about his soulmate, that you couldn’t really consider as nice, or even neutral, but there were a lot of nice ones mixed in.

He read a few, until he saw one, that seemed oddly familiar. 

_ “If I could tell him, that he’s everything to me, maybe but just maybe, he will tell me the same”  _

He remembered how he thought that. He remembered hugging Connor goodbye and watching him drive away, before closing the door and thinking about how he could potentially win Connor Murphy’s' heart.

He turned back a few pages and saw all of his other thoughts.

_ “I wish he would get along with Zoe a little better”  _

_ “I would give my right arm to run my fingers through his hair. It looks so soft”  _

_ “I really want to know what he’s drawing”  _

A big smile formed on Evan’s face. Could it really be? Could Connor actually be his soulmate?   
There was only one way to find out.

So with Connor on his mind, Evan drifted into sleep. 

Connor woke up late this Saturday. He had stayed up sketching Ari, before falling asleep on his sketch pad. He went to take a shower, when he saw that Evan had texted him.

**Wanna come over today?**

Connor smiled wide and shot back a quick “ **Sure** ” before walking into the shower.    
About forty minutes later, he let himself into Evan’s house, saying “Good morning” to Heidi, who was just about to head out of the door and walked upstairs towards Evan’s room. 

He knocked twice and Evan called him in. He was sitting on his bed, reading a thick black book with his name written on it in gold letters. His soulmate book.    
Suddenly Connor’s stomach became heavy and his bag, where he had carried around his book for the last time, felt like a burden. 

“Hey” Evan smiled from the bed, Aaron laying on the swivel chair next to Evan’s desk.

“Hey, how are you? ” Connor knew that you could tell that he had a lump in his throat, but he didn’t care.

“Good, come here I want to show you something,” He said and Connor’s feet felt heavy, as he walked over to Evan’s bed and dropped himself and his bag onto it.

Evan handed him his book, but Connor just kept looking at Aaron, not wanting to read what was written in there. 

“You should read it” Evan whispered, it send shivers down Connor’s spine and he looked at Evan, at perfect Evan. At his dark blue eyes, his brown-blondish hair and at his full beautiful lips that he just wanted to kiss. 

He would do everything for him.

So he bowed his head to see the letters on the page. He mentally tried to prepare himself before reading, but Evan seemed very excited.

He looked down and read the last time.

_ “I wish my best friend, Connor Murphy would kiss me”  _ it read, in a handwriting that almost looked like chicken scratch. Connor couldn’t really look up from that. He read it again and again and again, until those words were burned into his memory.

He grabbed his bag and pulled out his navy blue book and handed it to Evan, opening it to the last page that had writing on it.

He looked at Evan, as he read the newest thought.

_ “I would love to kiss you”  _ Evan grinned up at him and Connor smiled back, before putting his hand on Evan’s cheek and pulling him into a gentle kiss.    
It felt like fireworks exploded in his stomach, when his lips touched the one of the smaller boy sitting across from him, his best friend, his soulmate, Evan Hansen. They pulled away and breathed heavily, before Evan mumbled.

“I love you, Connor Murphy” Connor gently made their foreheads touch and took Evan’s hand into his.

“I love you too, Evan Hansen. For longer than you could possibly know” 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> One of the hundreds of small one-shots I wrote!  
> Comments are really appreciated!!
> 
> If you enjoyed it, please consider buying me a [coffee](http://ko-fi.com/pissoffimrad)


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